Rick, Rachel, Noah, Faith » Funny

You broke your collarbone how?

Rachel — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 18:30:30 +0000

I got this in an email forward today and had to share it with you. I’m not sure if I’m just overly tired, but I laughed my butt off when I read this!! I had tears rolling down my face and my stomach hurt from laughing…hope you enjoy it half as much as I did!!!

(If the text is a little too small to read, click on the image and it will open to a bigger image.)

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

Rachel — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 23:03:14 +0000

I think this is the way Rick is feeling now. We seen on the news last night that this is the most snow we’ve gotten in over 30 years!!! It snowed a couple more inches last night and we had lots of wind to go with it. So far, this winter is not very fun!!! Noah wants to keep going outside, but it’s just too cold.

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in The whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!

Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such A nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed Up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is The life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska , after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the white stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more Inches of snow fell today, and it’s so cold,

It probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes To get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.

Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy… I think the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24

6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack… If I ever catch the asshole who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.

I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25

Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the white slop tonight – Snowed in

The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Halloween Humor

Rachel — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:19:21 +0000

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER…

BUMP…

BUMP….

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP…

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP…

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reache s for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,

(hopefully you’re ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops

Funny Noah

Rachel — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:22:17 +0000

Lately Noah has been doing a fake laugh. Not sure what got him started on this, but he’ll look at us and just start laughing. We think it is pretty funny. Here he was doing it for a little while before I grabbed my camera. As you can tell, he is also eating an Oreo cookie!!

Snack Time

Rachel — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 21:06:16 +0000

When Noah wakes up from him nap, it’s snack time. Today he woke up and he was missing a sock. I looked in his crib and couldn’t find the darn thing…guess I’ll have to look a little harder. Then we went downstairs for a snack and I guess he just made himself comfortable while I was getting him something to eat. He had both feet up on the table, but I didn’t grab my camera quick enough. Somebody might have to teach him some manners!!!

Weird Quirks

Rachel — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:47:24 +0000

I thought I’d tell you some of Noah’s weird little quirks. He’s such a funny guy!!!

*Likes to take a drink of water out of his sippy cup and then just open his mouth and let it all fall out. Then he laughs!

*Likes to stand against the railing and stick one foot over the edge, or he’ll sit straddling the railing and dangle his feet.

*He’ll grab my decorative fall pumpkin, look at me and run in the opposite direction, laughing the whole time, knowing he’s not supposed to be playing with it.

*Walk backwards – which, I might say, he’s actually getting pretty good at!!!

*If we leave a bathroom door open, he has a 6th sense about it and runs in. He’ll grab some toilet paper and start chewing on it and then grab some more toilet paper and start unwinding it.

*If we are upstairs, he runs into our bathroom and likes to play in the shower. Not sure what he finds so fascinating about it, but he likes to stand in there!

*Likes to stick his arm in the surround sound sub-woofer.

Our Little Princess???

Rachel — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:54:07 +0000

Do you remember a couple of weeks back when we celebrated Rick’s parent’s 50th anniversary? We left Noah with our great neighbor friends while we went out. Well, we just received a picture from that night….we are currently looking for new babysitters!!!!

They always teased us that they were going to dress Noah up in their little girls dresses…but we didn’t think they were serious! Guess we should never underestimate the power of a free babysitter!!! Now for paybacks!!!

Nursery

Rachel — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:27:59 +0000

On our way to church this morning, Noah was very vocal, so we figured one of us would have to take him to the nursery for the first time today! He was actually doing really good until the sermon started…I guess Noah had his own sermon he wanted to give, but we had other ideas. So Rick brought him to the nursery. Rick said as soon as they got to the nursery and Rick set him down, he crawled right over to these foam blocks and sat on them. We really think he is half monkey!!! I guess Noah likes the nursery – I suppose we better get used to it, because we might be there more often!!!

What the heck is that???

Rachel — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:19:12 +0000

I went to change Noah’s diaper yesterday afternoon and when I pulled up his shirt, my heart skipped a beat. His belly button didn’t look right – it was huge, sticking out and a different color. I thought it was infected or something, but I didn’t notice anything different when I changed him earlier – what the heck is wrong??? Oh, wait, it’s a piece of corn!! Nevermind!!

It’s amazing how fast your mind races!! I think it was only a second or two before I knew it was a piece of corn, but I had a lot of thoughts in that two seconds!!

Do you notice the lotion bottle that Noah is chewing on? Yeah, we need a distraction when we are changing him these days. He’s trying to roll over, I’m holding him down so we don’t get a mess all over, and he just won’t cooperate – I think he’s going to snap in half! So diaper changes tend to be pretty fast around here. His pants come off first and then he gets the distraction item, then it’s a race to see if I can get the diaper off, clean him up and get a new one on before he gets bored with the distraction item and wants to roll over!

Who Needs Toys?

Rachel — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 20:41:13 +0000

We really do have some toys that Noah can play with, but he seems to like to play with anything that he can reach – shoes, straws or socks!! We got back from a walk yesterday and I took off Noah’s shoes and laid them off to the side. A little later he had rolled over to them and was chewing on them! Then last night we went to the Pizza Ranch (yes, this is the 3rd time I’ve had Pizza Ranch since I’ve been in George!!!) to meet Jim, Doreen and Katie and Noah liked playing with his socks and a straw! Every once in a while he would get the straw a little far back in his mouth, but it didn’t stop him, he just kept chewing on it!